Sex With Barbed Wire and Electricity

In a parallel universe I will be able to release two novels about drugs, psychotic breakdowns, religious crises, autoerotic asphyxiation, drugs, self-mutilation, failed suicide attempts, drugs, mental disorders, alien abductions, and drugs–all autobiographical. These novels would have a cult following and would propel me to be written about in future reference books about semi-famous novelists. I would be written about as such:

Filmore (pseudonym) was born to clinically alcoholic parents. He grew up living in a cramped apartment with his grandparents who taught him how to smoke pot at an early age of 8. Through the help of a seemingly benevolent arab he was able to finish high school, but discovered that he had to pay back through wild sexual favors. He worked his way through college where he met writers NFS and LRZ, who became his roommates and co-editors in the university paper, and who introduced him to LSD, cocaine, benzedrine, metamphetamine, and heroin. At 28, under the influence of benzendrine, he wrote his first novel, "Killing Your Friends", which became a pop culture phenomenon, but which caught the attention of the senate for its explicit encouragement of chemical lifestyle. At age 32 he married a childhood friend RTM, and was imprisoned two days later for imposing sexual asphyxiation on her which landed her in the ICU. Filmore wrote his 2nd novel "Caterwauling Aliens" while in prison, a story about a prisoner who found God in a slice of meatloaf, which received annoyed reviews, calling him a sell-out.

Upon his release 5 years later with a new sense of faith he immediately entered the seminary, and was kicked out two days later after he was discovered sprinkling the holy host with pot. He attempted suicide by sticking his head in an oven but was saved by a stalker fan who’s been secretly living in his attic for 6 months. He then checked himself in to a mental institution where he feigned to be crazier than he really was so he could receive electroconvulsive treatments, after which he would write his memoir "Dog Carcass" that regained his cult status. While in the psych ward he would experiment with all kinds of sexual acts that involved barbed wire and electricity, resulting in the death of two 14 year-old schizophrenics. He eventually lost all his money in settling the homicides. Homeless and penniless he escaped the asylum, and has been spotted in dark alleys looking for sex and drugs.

There! For more interesting stories on the lives of genuine cult-status authors, I refer you to the excellent book The Rough Guide to Cult Fiction, available in Powerbooks. Personal favorites would be the write ups on Martin Amis, Philip K. Dick, Marquis de Sade, Harlan Ellison, James Ellroy, Graham Greene, and of course, perennial favorite Sylvia Plath who really did stick her head in an oven. (Jan. 29, 2007)