Songs That Make Me Want to Kill Myself

No title sensationalism, this, indeed, is about songs that make me want to kill myself, those that just dredge up my deep-seated neuroses and bring out my death instinct. I found that the perfect substitute to sertraline and fluoxetine are action figures and good songs, but there are songs that just make me want to reach for a razor and end it all, literally. I am excluding all 80’s songs here, specifically those by Tears for Fears, as they all trigger a neurotic episode. So here they are:

1. Spoon by The Dave Matthews Band- That pained Dave Matthews voice with the restrained humming of Alanis Morissette in the background just squirms its way inside me and switches a self-destructive urge on, specifically the urge to OD. I remember that I’ve been listening to this song while inside a jeepney in Cubao after an interview for a med school admission, and I’ve been having a career-direction crisis, because we all know what I really want, which is to be a 70s rockstar with bad hair and a huge groupie.

2. The Scientist by Coldplay- anything by Coldplay is depressing even if they’re just singing about the speed of sound, but The Scientist is eerie as hell. 2nd year medicine. Ironic that I’ve been under medication and electroconvulsive therapy at this point so I was actually happy then. I first heard this song while listening to the radio half asleep and I was dreaming that I was riding the MRT.

3. My Funny Valentine as sung by Matt Damon- from the Talented Mr. Ripley, 4th year college. Basically because the whole movie is dark and morose and despondent. I want to ride a boat, reach for the paddle, hit my head with it, and scream to myself in my best Dickie Greenleaf impersonation, "You’re boring!".

4. A Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos- no particular reason, it’s just depressing, but sometimes it makes me happy– I guess that’s how mood swings work. Not really related to its depressive effect, but whenever I listen to this song I remember assisting in a modified radical mastectomy in an extremely hot operating room and getting yelled at during surgery internship.

5. Always On Your Side by Sting and Sheryl Crow- I’ve been listening to Crow’s album Wildflower while studying for the board exams, and realized in utter mortification that the whole 5-year delaying tactic called medical education is coming to an end, making me want to insert my wet thumb in an electrical outlet. Also, the song "Wildflower" contains the lyrics "Everything I know just fades away" which is descriptive of the whole study period.

6. Hey Jude from the movie The Royal Tenenbaums- I really like the scene where Luke Wilson stares at the mirror, shaves his head, and declares, "Tomorrow, I am going to kill myself", but he tries to kill himself that very moment anyway! It’s very… inspiring.